My stupid Spanish

This week I finally realized how stupid my thoughts about my Spanish are. I am a member of a meetup group where the members meet often to speak in Spanish with each other. This Monday we met at a restaurant. As usual, I wasn't speaking much. I ordered my food in English. When I spoke to the others, I said only a sentence or to at a time. I mostly listened. There was a girl there that was pretty good at speaking. She made a mistake ever so often, but she spoke fluently. Someone asked her why she joined the group. She then started talking about how unsure she felt with her Spanish. Her Spanish was horrible, she stated over and over again. She hated to make mistakes. She was afraid someone would speak to her in an accent she couldn't understand, and she would look stupid. This girl really annoyed me at first, and I couldn't figure out why. Why was she complaining so much about her Spanish, as she was talking in not-so-bad Spanish? Why was she so worried about making mistakes? She was communicating in Spanish, wasn't that the important part? I mean, she wasn't trying to use Spanish on the job, so perfection wasn't that important, right? It was only then that I realized that she was me. Those were my exact thoughts about my Spanish. My thoughts about my Spanish are really ridiculous.

No longer discouraged, and a couple videos

I am no longer depressed, yay! I recently talked with Steve Kaufmann about feeling that I'm not progressing with my Spanish, and he had an interesting perspective. I am very results driven, so at times it is very difficult to just enjoy where you are right now. I want to be fluent, for goodness' sake. Why would I enjoy my current state of nonfluentness? But it's really true, especially for goals that take quite awhile to achieve, that enjoying the process is crucial to staying on the path to your goal. So here's what I currently enjoy about studying Spanish:

• I am getting exposed to and learning lots about different cultures
• Through Skype, I have met many wonderful, friendly, encouraging, funny, crazy, smart people who are either studying Spanish as well, or are native speakers. If I were to meet any of these people in person, I would want to give them a big hug.
• I can talk in Spanish! I always want to qualify that statement by saying "although I'm not at the level I want to be", but I need to recognize that 2 years ago, I was no where near where I am now. My first conversation with a LingQ tutor was in November of 2009. January 29, 2010 I had the failure of a conversation where I tried to tell Berta about "The Telltale Heart" in Spanish, then had the nerve to put the conversation on Youtube (although I did eventually have the good sense to remove the video). Now, although I feel shy at times, and don't say a lot, I can express my thoughts with more fluency.
• I can write in Spanish easily.
• I can talk with my husband in Spanish (no, he does not understand me, but he thinks it's sexy, and that's all I will say about that).
• I am believing in myself. I've always been one to jump from interest to interest, trying new things, but never finishing anything. To know that I can keep with something makes me proud of myself.

Also, it's been a few months, so I decided (with a little bit of prompting) to make another video speaking in Spanish. In the first one I talk about my progress in Spanish, and how I feel about my speaking. In the second video I talk about my health and losing weight. I am a little less fluent in the second video because it's a subject that I don't talk about in Spanish, but I still am satisfied with my progress.

Deprimida / Depressed

Ahora estoy un poco deprimida con respecto a mi progreso en español. Me siento como si no voy a hablar en forma fluida nunca. No tengo gente con quienes puedo hablar español en persona. Mi grupo Meetup ha dejado de reunirse. Solo hablo uno o dos veces a la semana, así que cuando por fin hablo en español no me siento comoda para nada. Tengo que esforzarme mucho. Demasiado. ¿Por qué quiero aprender español?

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And here is what I really wanted to say, in English.

I´m a little depressed with respect to my Spanish. I feel like I´m never going to speak fluently in Spanish. I don´t have people here that I can speak with. My Meetup group seems to have stopped meeting. I only talk in Spanish once or twice a week, so of course when I finally speak, it feels awkward. All of this makes me wonder, if I don´t have people locally that I can speak with, and I´m not doing it for my job, and it´s all so much of a struggle, why do I really want to learn Spanish so badly? What is the point?

Speaking in Spanish about my progress and 2011 Spanish Goals

Besos y Abrazos / Hugs and Kisses

An essay I recently wrote and like. My loose translation follows (how I would have written this in English). The original text had 12 errors.

Me he dado cuenta de que los saludos de los hispanohablantes son distintos de los que estoy acostumbrada. Desde niña, las únicas personas con quienes me siento cómoda abrazar son mi familia. Tengo un par de amigas que abrazo cuando no las he visto desde hace tiempo, pero aparte de estas personas, no hay más. Cuando era chica, los adultos en la iglesia me querían abrazar y besar, pero no me gustaba nada. Hoy en día suelo darme la mano con alguien al verlo, o solo digo hola. Los abrazos no forman parte de mis saludos.

Últimamente estoy en busca de hispanohablantes donde vivo con quienes pueda conversar y alternar. Hace unos pocos meses encontré un grupo Meetup de latinos donde vivo. Nos hemos reunido tres veces. La primera vez me sentí cómoda. Conocí a gente muy amable. Sin embargo la segunda vez fue algo distinto. ¡Me querían besar! Fue algo desconcertante para mí. No tenía ni idea de como me debía comportar. ¿Debe ser solo un beso cerca de su mejilla o debo realmente besar su mejilla? ¿Necesito besar ambas mejillas o solo una? ¿Beso a las mujeres y a los hombres? Esos fueron los pensamientos estúpidos que cruzaron mi mente. Me sentí muy incómoda.

Ahora me he acostumbrado a la idea de abrazar e incluso besar a la gente. Con algunos hispanohablantes con los que me escribo termino la carta con ¨un abrazo¨ o ¨un beso¨, aunque tal vez me atrevo porque es una carta. La última reunión con los latinos estuve aún más cómoda. Incluso tomé la iniciativa y di algunos abrazos. Decidí que no lo detesto, y a veces me gusta. ¡Imagínate!

¡Un beso!

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I've recently realized that the greetings of Spanish speakers are very different from what I'm accustomed to. Since I was a child, the only people I feel comfortable hugging are my family. I also have a couple friends who I hug when I haven't seen them in awhile, but that's it. When I was young the adults at church wanted to hug me, but I didn't like that at all. Nowadays, I usually shake someone's hand to greet them or just say hello. I don't "do" hugs.

Lately I've been looking for Spanish speakers locally who I can talk with face to face. A few months ago I found a Meetup group where I live. We've met three times. The first time I felt comfortable. I met some very nice people. The second time was a little different, though. They wanted to kiss me! It was very uncomfortable for me. I didn't have a clue as to how I should act. Will they be just "air kisses" or should I actually kiss the cheek? Do I need to kiss both cheeks or only one? Do I kiss the ladies AND the guys? Those were the stupid thoughts running through my mind. I felt extremely uncomfortable.

Now I've become a little more comfortable with the idea of hugging and even kissing people. With some Spanish speakers who I email, I even end the note with "un abrazo" or "un beso", although maybe I dare to do that because it's a letter. The last meeting with the Latinos I was even more comfortable. I even took the initiative and gave a few hugs. I decided that I don't hate it, and sometimes I even like it. Imagine that!

¡Un beso!

¿Intuición Materna?

Aquí hay un escrito que escribí hace unos meses que me gusta. Es una historia verdadera.

Últimamente, he estado un poco estresada a causa de mi trabajo. Esta mañana, desperté a las 4 de la madrugada. Decidí que ya que estaba despierta, haría un poco de trabajo. Fui al baño, y luego tomé un vaso de agua. Estaba a punto de sentarme en el sofá con el laptop cuando, por alguna razón, fui a vigilar a mi niña. Ella estaba durmiendo en la cama de su cuarto. Buscaba a mi alrededor por solo unos segundos cuando, de repente, se estiró. Me acerqué a su cama, y se cayó de la cama. Estaba al lado de la cama, así que la agarré, antes de que pudiera chocar con el suelo. La devolví a la cama. Ella no se despertó en absoluto. Yo estaba tan asombrada y asustada que solo pude estar de pie y verla por unos minutos. ¿Por qué decidí vigilar a mi niña en ese momento exacto?

Nota: Cuando lo escribí, me sentía muy poderosa como madre. ¡Soy vidente! ¡Puedo protegerla! Sin embargo, mi hijita ha caído de la cama unas veces despues de este escrito sin ningún daño.

I can't speak

Last night I went to a Mexican restaurant before going to the movies with a friend. My friend immediately talks in Spanish whenever she knows what to say. ("Sí", "gracias", "Buenas noches"). The waitress asks her if she speaks Spanish, and she replies, "Un poquito". She then asks me if I speak Spanish, and I say "Un poquito más que ella." Then she asks me in Spanish what I want to order, and my mind goes totally blank. I say "¿Cómo?", then she answers me in English. Why do I always get so nervous when I have to speak in Spanish? I knew she was asking me what I wanted to order. All I had to say was "un burrito con vegetales" or "un burrito con verduras". I have conversations with tutors and everything. What is the purpose of knowing that you can say "papel higiénico" if you need to ask for toilet paper (my friend needed this phrase) if you're not going to say it to someone?

I talk to myself

No, I am not crazy, but I talk to myself. I try to do it as much as I can. In the morning when I wake up, as I eat breakfast, picking out the clothes I want to wear, walking to the car. I am practicing my Spanish. How do I say "Yes, you can taste my cereal, mi hija", "Give me a hug before you leave", or "I need to remember to get gas for my car today"?

In my latest Spanish conversations, sometimes when I have to say something, I completely freeze up. My mind goes completely blank. I have absolutely nothing to say. I am pressuring myself to say the right words, in the right way. So this is why I am talking to myself now, trying to become even more used to speaking in Spanish.

Not sure if it will help or anything, but I figure it may be another thing to get me comfortable speaking in Spanish.

My first Spanish videoblogs

I want to talk in Spanish conversations, but am still very nervous when doing so. A friend from a language exchange suggested making videos of myself talking in Spanish as a bridge to real language conversations. I thought that was a great idea, so here are my first two videos.

I finally get it -- Errors don't matter

I went to Honduras last week. I had a wonderful time. I spoke a lot of Spanish, relative to what I've spoken to native speakers in the past, I spoke every day.

The first time I spoke in Spanish in Honduras, I really had to force myself to speak, and when I finally did talk, things went well. I was proud of myself, and that first day, I really tried to practice in my mind what I wanted to say before I said it, so that I could say everything correctly. Of course, that didn't last long. It couldn't. And I started to get frustrated because I was making mistakes, and couldn't talk perfectly.

Luckily I have a friend that showed me the way. Her mom is a Spanish teacher, so she picked up a little Spanish along the way, but her vocabulary and grammar are not good at all. She knows things like the days of the week, numbers, basic greetings. I would say she is still a beginner. But she has this very friendly, talkative personality. In Honduras, she spoke. With her bad Spanish. And her numerous errors. And the people loved her. When she wanted to say a word or phrase she didn't know, she would ask me. If I didn't know, she would wing it somehow. And the people didn't turn their noses up at her, they smiled and connected with her. Watching her helped me learn that I don't have to be perfect to make those connections with other people.

Here is a writing I had corrected concerning this topic:

Creo que Honduras es magnífico. Me gusta mucho. Es muy tranquilo aquí.

Tito es el conductor que nos recogió del aeropuerto. Estaba muy nerviosa porque quería hablar en español con él, pero no estaba segura de que lo haría. Después de algún tiempo, decidí hablar con él. Practiqué las frases que quería decir docenas de veces en mi mente, ja ja. Y hablé. Solo dije que su inglés era muy bueno y estaba impresionada y admiro a cualquier persona que pueda hablar una lengua extranjera. Y él estaba impresionado. Pude verlo en la cara de sorpresa que cubrió su rostro. Y me dijo que mi español era muy bueno. Y hablábamos un poco y entonces me sentía más cómoda y tenía más confianza para hablar en español. Ya he tenido muchas oportunidades para hablar en español ya que casi todo el personal del hotel solo habla español. Y es una experiencia muy buena y motivadora. Cometo errores, pero entiendo que no le importa.

Learning without learning

I noticed the coolest thing the other day. About 6 months ago, I bought a book in Spanish. I didn't get very far reading it, I read maybe 40 pages. For some reason, I underlined every word I didn't know, with the expectation that I would look up the words later. That never happened. I remember thinking that this book was difficult for me, and, in fact, I had underlined an average of 10 words per page. I just picked up the book again last week to read, and amazingly, most of the words I had underlined I now know. I'm down from not knowing 10 words per page to 1 or 2. Now how did that happen? I've been continuously studying in Spanish, so I must have come across these words in other contexts. This is very encouraging for me.

How do I gain fluency in writing and speaking?

At this point, I feel that I can understand Spanish very well. I still have a ways to go, I don't understand everything, but I can definitely tell that I have improved in my listening and reading comprehension. Now I want to focus on output. How do I improve my writing and speaking?

Currently, I try to have 2 Spanish conversations weekly on LingQ. I try to prepare for the conversation beforehand. It doesn't always happen, but I do much better when I prepare. This includes choosing a lesson or other topic of discussion, and writing notes and vocabulary that I feel I will use in the course of the conversation. I also try to write Spanish twice weekly.

My issue with what I am doing is that it takes so much effort when I write or have a conversation. When I write, it takes a good 20 minutes or so for me to write 200 words. I constantly think things such as "how do I say this verb in this tense?". I continuously come across things I want to say that I don't know how to say. And speaking is even worse. When I speak, I am not at all fluent. I stumble over words and verb tenses all the time.

I 'practiced' listening by listening daily, and now I feel I can understand much better. Do I need to practice writing and speaking daily to see improvements in writing and speaking? I feel that I do. But how can I do this? I definitely can't afford to write or have conversations every day on LingQ. How else can I incorporate daily writing and conversations in Spanish? And how do I know that what I am saying is correct? I was thinking that I could start with writing a daily journal in Spanish, would this be a good idea? I could write every day, and then twice a week have some of my writings corrected so that I can still see areas that I still need to work on. Perhaps when I feel that my writing starts to flow, and it doesn't take quite as much effort to write, then I can start chatting (voice and written) more with native Spanish speakers. I think this is what I will do.

I intend to write continuously in a journal for a set amount of time (maybe 10 minutes), then simply make note of vocabulary words I couldn't produce and add them as LingQs, finding example sentences if I can. I will try not to edit myself, but just write. I think overly editing myself and thinking about how to say things in Spanish is inhibiting me from expressing ideas in Spanish.

Freewriting

Competence in Foreign Language Writing

(Or maybe I am just way too uptight about all of this.)

Timidez

Soy muy tímida. He sido tímida desde el principio. Una vez mi mamá me dijo que cuando era niña pequeña, de 3 o 4 años, las personas siempre le pedían si yo podía hablar. Siempre ha sido un problema para mi. No puedo ser la persona maravillosa que sé que pudiera ser a causa de la tímidez. Afecta mi vida de muchas maneras. Cuando salgo con mis amigas, a veces no digo nada, porque estoy demasiada tímida y nerviosa para hablar. De vez en cuando, mi marido tiene que aguantar que me enojo a él. Me enojo porque él hace cosas que no me gusta, pero nunca le digo a él en el momento que las cosas pasan, sino cuando soporté lo suficiente. Y nunca he sido ascendido en casi siete años en la companía donde trabajo porque mis empleados creen que las personas calladas están contentas donde están.

He tratado de cambiar esta tendencia, pero es un poco difícil. Me hice socia de Toastmasters, un club donde se pueden practicar discursos (preparados y no preparados). Trato de hablar más con mi esposo sobre cosas que me molestan (pero sin éxito). Ofrezco hacer cosas extra en el trabajo, pero mi jefe quiere que haga aún más. Y siempre necesito forzarme hacer cosas así, no son fácil. Lo que quiero hacer es tener mas confianza. Si tengo confianza en mi misma, no me importará lo que los demas piensan de mi. Pero la confianza es mas difícil cultivar.

Soy una Mujer

Otro escrito mío que me gusta. No tiene nada que ver con el aprendizaje de idiomas:

Soy una mujer. Sí, es obvio. Pero a veces sentía que no la era. Una mujer es una persona que se viste en faldas, huele a lavanda, y puede andar en tacones altos. Yo no podía caminar en tacones altos, llevaba puesto vaqueros, y olía a galletas (mi postre favorito). Por lo tanto, no me deleitaba en ser mujer. Al menos, antes de que diera a luz a mi niña. Cuando me enteré que estaba embarazada, estaba muy feliz, y muy nerviosa. Mi esposo y yo lo habíamos planeado, pero yo tenía dudas. Tenía dudas de que pudiera criar a un hijo sin problemas. Y cuando me enteré que tendría una niña mis dudas crecían. ¿Cómo podía mostrar a una niña como ser una mujer? Pero en el embarazo me encontré la respuesta. Cuanto más mi estómago crecía, más me sentía como una mujer. Aun con vaqueros y zapatos de tenis. Me daba cuenta de que una mujer es una mujer, no importa si lleva maquillaje o grasa de coche, si le gusta cocinar o construir un estante para libros con las manos, si llora cuando se enoja o grita. Todavía es mujer. Así que, desde eso momento, yo ya no temía hacer cualquiera cosa que se me antojaba. Ahora, no temo sudar cuando hago ejercicios. Y a veces incluso llevo faldas. Aunque aún huelo a galletas.

Hablaré español con fluidez

Mi primer escrito en LingQ, hace 5 meses:

¡Hola! Por fin escribo mi primer ensayo en español. Para presentarme, mi nombre es Angela. Estudié español hace 18 años, en el colegio. Estudié español 4 años en el colegio, y después de todo eso, no podía hacer nada en español, excepto decir "Buenos días", "hasta luego", y "gracias". Exagero un poco, pero no mucho. Después del colegio había estudiado español muchas veces, de muchas maneras, y solo me desanimaba, porque no comprendía nada, no podía decir nada. Pero ahora, con Lingq, es mucho mejor. Comprendo mucho más. Hago algo en español cada día. Escucho audiolibros. Leo libros (me gusta ficción y autoayuda). Miro películas casi cada semana. No estoy perfecta, pero estoy mejorando cada día. Ahora, estoy lista para escribir y, a largo plazo, hablar. Con Lingq, tengo un plan, y yo sé que puedo hacerlo. Hablaré español con fluidez.

Mi Blog Nuevo

Me he enterado de que compartir mis metas e intentos para lograrlas con otras personas me ayuda a lograrlas. Puedo encontrar otras personas interesadas en la misma meta, y podemos compartir estrategias, y animarnos cuando nos decepcionemos. Los especialistas pueden darme consejos por experiencia propia. Es extremadamente motivador. Así que decidí empezar este blog. Entonces, escribiré de cualquier cosa en el idioma que estudio (ahora es español). Voy a publicar entradas corregidas por un tutor. También hablaré de cómo va el aprendizaje. Es simplemente otro modo de comprometerme a esta meta.