My stupid Spanish

This week I finally realized how stupid my thoughts about my Spanish are. I am a member of a meetup group where the members meet often to speak in Spanish with each other. This Monday we met at a restaurant. As usual, I wasn't speaking much. I ordered my food in English. When I spoke to the others, I said only a sentence or to at a time. I mostly listened. There was a girl there that was pretty good at speaking. She made a mistake ever so often, but she spoke fluently. Someone asked her why she joined the group. She then started talking about how unsure she felt with her Spanish. Her Spanish was horrible, she stated over and over again. She hated to make mistakes. She was afraid someone would speak to her in an accent she couldn't understand, and she would look stupid. This girl really annoyed me at first, and I couldn't figure out why. Why was she complaining so much about her Spanish, as she was talking in not-so-bad Spanish? Why was she so worried about making mistakes? She was communicating in Spanish, wasn't that the important part? I mean, she wasn't trying to use Spanish on the job, so perfection wasn't that important, right? It was only then that I realized that she was me. Those were my exact thoughts about my Spanish. My thoughts about my Spanish are really ridiculous.

No longer discouraged, and a couple videos

I am no longer depressed, yay! I recently talked with Steve Kaufmann about feeling that I'm not progressing with my Spanish, and he had an interesting perspective. I am very results driven, so at times it is very difficult to just enjoy where you are right now. I want to be fluent, for goodness' sake. Why would I enjoy my current state of nonfluentness? But it's really true, especially for goals that take quite awhile to achieve, that enjoying the process is crucial to staying on the path to your goal. So here's what I currently enjoy about studying Spanish:

• I am getting exposed to and learning lots about different cultures
• Through Skype, I have met many wonderful, friendly, encouraging, funny, crazy, smart people who are either studying Spanish as well, or are native speakers. If I were to meet any of these people in person, I would want to give them a big hug.
• I can talk in Spanish! I always want to qualify that statement by saying "although I'm not at the level I want to be", but I need to recognize that 2 years ago, I was no where near where I am now. My first conversation with a LingQ tutor was in November of 2009. January 29, 2010 I had the failure of a conversation where I tried to tell Berta about "The Telltale Heart" in Spanish, then had the nerve to put the conversation on Youtube (although I did eventually have the good sense to remove the video). Now, although I feel shy at times, and don't say a lot, I can express my thoughts with more fluency.
• I can write in Spanish easily.
• I can talk with my husband in Spanish (no, he does not understand me, but he thinks it's sexy, and that's all I will say about that).
• I am believing in myself. I've always been one to jump from interest to interest, trying new things, but never finishing anything. To know that I can keep with something makes me proud of myself.

Also, it's been a few months, so I decided (with a little bit of prompting) to make another video speaking in Spanish. In the first one I talk about my progress in Spanish, and how I feel about my speaking. In the second video I talk about my health and losing weight. I am a little less fluent in the second video because it's a subject that I don't talk about in Spanish, but I still am satisfied with my progress.

Deprimida / Depressed

Ahora estoy un poco deprimida con respecto a mi progreso en español. Me siento como si no voy a hablar en forma fluida nunca. No tengo gente con quienes puedo hablar español en persona. Mi grupo Meetup ha dejado de reunirse. Solo hablo uno o dos veces a la semana, así que cuando por fin hablo en español no me siento comoda para nada. Tengo que esforzarme mucho. Demasiado. ¿Por qué quiero aprender español?

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And here is what I really wanted to say, in English.

I´m a little depressed with respect to my Spanish. I feel like I´m never going to speak fluently in Spanish. I don´t have people here that I can speak with. My Meetup group seems to have stopped meeting. I only talk in Spanish once or twice a week, so of course when I finally speak, it feels awkward. All of this makes me wonder, if I don´t have people locally that I can speak with, and I´m not doing it for my job, and it´s all so much of a struggle, why do I really want to learn Spanish so badly? What is the point?

Speaking in Spanish about my progress and 2011 Spanish Goals

Besos y Abrazos / Hugs and Kisses

An essay I recently wrote and like. My loose translation follows (how I would have written this in English). The original text had 12 errors.

Me he dado cuenta de que los saludos de los hispanohablantes son distintos de los que estoy acostumbrada. Desde niña, las únicas personas con quienes me siento cómoda abrazar son mi familia. Tengo un par de amigas que abrazo cuando no las he visto desde hace tiempo, pero aparte de estas personas, no hay más. Cuando era chica, los adultos en la iglesia me querían abrazar y besar, pero no me gustaba nada. Hoy en día suelo darme la mano con alguien al verlo, o solo digo hola. Los abrazos no forman parte de mis saludos.

Últimamente estoy en busca de hispanohablantes donde vivo con quienes pueda conversar y alternar. Hace unos pocos meses encontré un grupo Meetup de latinos donde vivo. Nos hemos reunido tres veces. La primera vez me sentí cómoda. Conocí a gente muy amable. Sin embargo la segunda vez fue algo distinto. ¡Me querían besar! Fue algo desconcertante para mí. No tenía ni idea de como me debía comportar. ¿Debe ser solo un beso cerca de su mejilla o debo realmente besar su mejilla? ¿Necesito besar ambas mejillas o solo una? ¿Beso a las mujeres y a los hombres? Esos fueron los pensamientos estúpidos que cruzaron mi mente. Me sentí muy incómoda.

Ahora me he acostumbrado a la idea de abrazar e incluso besar a la gente. Con algunos hispanohablantes con los que me escribo termino la carta con ¨un abrazo¨ o ¨un beso¨, aunque tal vez me atrevo porque es una carta. La última reunión con los latinos estuve aún más cómoda. Incluso tomé la iniciativa y di algunos abrazos. Decidí que no lo detesto, y a veces me gusta. ¡Imagínate!

¡Un beso!

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I've recently realized that the greetings of Spanish speakers are very different from what I'm accustomed to. Since I was a child, the only people I feel comfortable hugging are my family. I also have a couple friends who I hug when I haven't seen them in awhile, but that's it. When I was young the adults at church wanted to hug me, but I didn't like that at all. Nowadays, I usually shake someone's hand to greet them or just say hello. I don't "do" hugs.

Lately I've been looking for Spanish speakers locally who I can talk with face to face. A few months ago I found a Meetup group where I live. We've met three times. The first time I felt comfortable. I met some very nice people. The second time was a little different, though. They wanted to kiss me! It was very uncomfortable for me. I didn't have a clue as to how I should act. Will they be just "air kisses" or should I actually kiss the cheek? Do I need to kiss both cheeks or only one? Do I kiss the ladies AND the guys? Those were the stupid thoughts running through my mind. I felt extremely uncomfortable.

Now I've become a little more comfortable with the idea of hugging and even kissing people. With some Spanish speakers who I email, I even end the note with "un abrazo" or "un beso", although maybe I dare to do that because it's a letter. The last meeting with the Latinos I was even more comfortable. I even took the initiative and gave a few hugs. I decided that I don't hate it, and sometimes I even like it. Imagine that!

¡Un beso!

¿Intuición Materna?

Aquí hay un escrito que escribí hace unos meses que me gusta. Es una historia verdadera.

Últimamente, he estado un poco estresada a causa de mi trabajo. Esta mañana, desperté a las 4 de la madrugada. Decidí que ya que estaba despierta, haría un poco de trabajo. Fui al baño, y luego tomé un vaso de agua. Estaba a punto de sentarme en el sofá con el laptop cuando, por alguna razón, fui a vigilar a mi niña. Ella estaba durmiendo en la cama de su cuarto. Buscaba a mi alrededor por solo unos segundos cuando, de repente, se estiró. Me acerqué a su cama, y se cayó de la cama. Estaba al lado de la cama, así que la agarré, antes de que pudiera chocar con el suelo. La devolví a la cama. Ella no se despertó en absoluto. Yo estaba tan asombrada y asustada que solo pude estar de pie y verla por unos minutos. ¿Por qué decidí vigilar a mi niña en ese momento exacto?

Nota: Cuando lo escribí, me sentía muy poderosa como madre. ¡Soy vidente! ¡Puedo protegerla! Sin embargo, mi hijita ha caído de la cama unas veces despues de este escrito sin ningún daño.

I can't speak

Last night I went to a Mexican restaurant before going to the movies with a friend. My friend immediately talks in Spanish whenever she knows what to say. ("Sí", "gracias", "Buenas noches"). The waitress asks her if she speaks Spanish, and she replies, "Un poquito". She then asks me if I speak Spanish, and I say "Un poquito más que ella." Then she asks me in Spanish what I want to order, and my mind goes totally blank. I say "¿Cómo?", then she answers me in English. Why do I always get so nervous when I have to speak in Spanish? I knew she was asking me what I wanted to order. All I had to say was "un burrito con vegetales" or "un burrito con verduras". I have conversations with tutors and everything. What is the purpose of knowing that you can say "papel higiénico" if you need to ask for toilet paper (my friend needed this phrase) if you're not going to say it to someone?